#180 - Fear and Discomfort Are Data, Not Failures

Manager, Ph.D. is a newsletter and community which helps people from the world of research reach their full potential managing teams and enacting changes. We’ve already developed the advanced skills to be exceptional managers; we just need help with the basics.

If you’re new to the community, drop me a note!  Some past issues from the archive which you might be interested in include:

• #144, “Engaging meetings have multiple valuable interactions”

• #147, “Build Buy-In Before The Meeting”

• #148, “Task Relevant Maturity: or, "micromanaging" is context dependant”

Plus of course the one-on-one and feedback guides.

And whether you’re new to the community or not, feel free to email me, or even have a quick chat with me about problems you have, or things you’d like to see!

As a new manager, I went into a one-on-one meeting with a team member with a piece of negative feedback to share written on my one-on-one notes. It was circled and underlined; I had held back more than once on giving this piece of feedback. Today was the day; I had gamed out the conversation.

It didn’t happen. I was completely frozen when I tried to bring it up (more than once in the 30 minute meeting!). The meeting ended, the team member left, and all I could do was circle the feedback again.

We’re Not Disembodied Reasoning Machines

When we step up to be a lead or manager, and important amount of our duties shift from the work itself, to the team of people (as an individual and as a group) who are doing the work.

That means a lot of new kinds of interactions for us. And frankly a lot of those interactions are uncomfortable, especially for those of us who focussed on technical, quantitative, and more objective matters in our earlier career.

As Steph Mifsud talks about in an article below, a lot of us tend to react the feelings we feel in these uncomfortable situations by trying to suppress them, or letting them run havoc. Neither of those are great!

Negative and uncomfortable feelings are our brains’ warning system - we’re treading in unknown territory, there’s something we’re worried about. There is nothing in the world wrong with those signals, and neither trying to shove them away nor being governed by them helps us.

Feelings are Data. Listen, then Interpret the “What”

Just as qualitative data from others is real data (#178), our feelings are qualitative data about the situation we’re in or are thinking about being in.

Crucially, it’s information, not instructions; and it’s information about our reaction to the situation, not the situation itself from some objective viewpoint (where would that objective viewpoint even come from?)

When we’re recording data from an experiment, we record the raw data, leaving the cleaning and interpretation for later. When we’re collecting our emotional data, the same approach is the way to go. “My heart’s beating fast; I’m feeling sweaty”.

Only once that data is collected and noted can we start interpreting it.

In this case, why was I reacting so strongly to the prospect of giving some relatively modest negative feedback to my team member? I know they care about the work and want to improve. And they deserve to know this is an area they can improve in; what right do I have to withhold that information from them? I had seen them in a variety of situations where they always behaved reasonably, so it’s not like I had reason to be worried about a violent outburst.

Upon reflection, I was worried about hurting their feelings and damaging the relationship. Those are important concerns to have! We definitely should not go around hurting our team members’ feelings or damaging our working relationships with them.

But if this would hurt their feelings, it would be by a small amount for a short period of time. No one loves to hear they could do something better, but people do like to grow their skills, this team member in particular. And we know that giving consistent positive and negative feedback grows trust, rather than damaging relationships.

Interpret A Charitable “Why”

Now we have some sense of what we were feeling, what we were worried about - hurting the team member’s feelings and thus the relationship.

There’s no real deeper why of the feeling. You’re finding yourself in an unfamiliar situation where something you’re worried about could go wrong. Part of your brain is flashing warning lights across your body to be extra alert and ready. That’s all there is.

But our reasoning brain will come up with a why story anyway, some deeper thing signified by this unfamiliar and uncomfortable situation. The usual trap I see managers like us fall into is come up with a cudgel-shaped story we can beat ourselves up with:

• This means I’m no good at managing - how dare I even have this job, when will everyone notice I’m a fraud

• I’m such a coward, I’m too afraid to even talk honestly to my team members

We wouldn’t say stuff like that to a friend who was going through the same thing, because of course we don’t; we’re not a jerk. Why would we choose to be that jerk to ourselves? None of that garbage is true, and it’s certainly not helpful.

How about this: “I’m uncomfortable and nervous because I care about this team member, and I want this to go well. But I know that if I approach this thoughtfully, I can help them improve, help the team get better, and also strengthen our working relationship”?

Many of our strong emotional reactions to things as a new manager come down to “I’m experiencing a heightened sense of awareness/readiness now because this is important and I want to do well”. Telling ourselves insulting stories about this perfectly normal reaction we’re having serves neither us nor our team members well.

Prepare Ahead

When we know something like this is coming, we can get practice on it. There’s two things we want to practice:

• This kind of situation itself - if we can practice the situation in a simulated environment, or a smaller less intense version of the same situation - then it becomes less unfamiliar, so our emotional reaction isn’t intense

• Being aware of some (any, really) emotional reaction, accepting it, and moving through anyway. The emotions aren’t telling you STOP!, STOP!, they’re telling you “be aware, this might be important”. Recognizing this, noticing it, without suppressing or being frozen by it, is a skill that you can build.

To get more comfortable with the situation itself, role play with a friend or mentor is a great way to tackle some of these situations.

If it’s specifically a conversation that you’re preparing for, role play with LLMs like ChatGPT/Bing or Claude are terrific for this. I’ll write more on this soon, but in the prompt:

• Describe the situation and what you’re concerned bout

• Ask it to play the role of your team member (and describe how they react to things)

• Tell it at the end of the conversation to give you some feedback

and then have the conversation a few more times with different reactions.

For getting used to recognizing and acknowledging the feeling, see if you can find opportunities to start small. In this case, maybe giving very small pieces of feedback (positive and negative) to team members, or having a conversation one slight notch more frank with a trusted peer or your manager.

Feeling The Feelings In The Moment

If we let the feeling fill our vision, it either freezes us or causes us to react poorly. If we try to shove the feeling away, it still takes over a significant part of our mental bandwidth, as we fight a loosing battle to wrestle our body’s perfectly natural “hey, be careful over here” alert into submission.

So the only effective option is to feel the feeling, acknowledge it, and keep going.

Different people find different things work here. For me, once I notice my reaction, I breathe deeply, pause, and then slowly exhale - done while the other person is talking, it’s barely noticeable. Other people swear by noticing (say) five things in the room they see, five things they hear, etc. The underlying principle seems to be noticing the feeling, then grounding yourself in something concrete and mundane.

Then have your part of the conversation, continuing the grounding as needed - or just excusing yourself or changing the subject if things get too intense. Spending any time in that awkward feeling is a success; just broaching an awkward topic (say) is a huge win. Don’t beat yourself up if you move on before having done everything you wanted to do.

Afterwards, as when practicing any new skill, review how things went, what went well, and where you can still grow this skill.

Growing Is Uncomfortable

There’s no meaningful growth in any area without discomfort. We’re used to learning new technical skills and knowledge and feeling dumb or clumsy for a while. Those aren’t great feelings, but it’s part of the process. The feelings are a little more intense when other people are involved, but it’s the same process.

There are all sorts of situations we come across as new managers (or managers growing their role and experiencing new situations) that this applies:

Giving Negative Feedback

Alert/Feeling: Nervousness, anxiety, or dread
What It’s Telling You:

• You’re concerned about damaging the relationship.

• You’re worried they may react emotionally or defensively.

• You’re unsure how to frame the conversation constructively.

Reframe:
→ “This discomfort means I care about the relationship and want this to go well. If I approach this thoughtfully, I can help them improve and strengthen our working relationship.”

Actionable Step: Prepare clear, specific feedback tied to behaviors, not personality. Start the conversation with curiosity — “I noticed X. What’s your take on that?”

Managing an experienced team member more skilled than you at what they’re doing

Alert/Feeling: Imposter syndrome, insecurity, or intimidation
What It’s Telling You:

• You’re worried you won’t add value.

• You fear they’ll see you as less credible.

• You’re unsure how to guide someone who’s technically stronger than you.

Reframe:
→ “This feeling means I need to shift from ‘expert’ to ‘coach.’ My role isn’t to out-skill them, it’s to remove obstacles, provide context, and help them excel.”

Actionable Step: Ask empowering questions:

• “What do you need from me to make this project successful?”

• “What challenges are you facing that I can help clear up?”

Being curious and supportive will build trust — and they’ll value your leadership even more.

Giving a Presentation to an Executive for the First Time

Alert/Feeling: Fear, self-doubt, or feeling overwhelmed
What It’s Telling You:

• You’re worried about looking unprepared or being challenged.

• You’re unsure how to present at the right level for this audience.

• You may not feel confident answering unexpected questions.

Reframe:
→ “This feeling means I care about being clear and impactful. If I focus on what they really need to know — and prepare for possible questions — I’ll succeed.”

Actionable Step:

• Structure your talk around their priorities: What decision do they need to make? What risks or trade-offs matter most to them?

• Prepare two or three key takeaways — executives often want insights, not every detail.

• Anticipate questions — and if you don’t know an answer, confidently say, “I’ll find out and follow up.”

Epilogue

In the end, I did manage to give that feedback. It took a couple more weeks of one-on-ones, but it did get delivered. The team member was a little chagrinned — they had felt a little uncomfortable doing the thing but thought they were pulling it off — but we worked on a plan to strengthen their skills in the area, and before too long they were happier with their mastery of the skill. And giving that feedback I got more comfortable giving feedback to all team members, positive and negative; they even started feeling comfortable giving me negative feedback. The team started working better, was more able to rely on each other, and team trust went noticeably up, not down.

And with that, on to the roundup!

Managing Individuals

Managing High Performers - Stay SaaSy

What High Achievers Need from Their Mentors - Ruth Gotian and Andy Lopata, HBR

When we’re new managers we tend to focus on the problems. Often the problems are associated with a few challenging team mates. And that can lead to neglect of our team members who are currently knocking it out of the park - our “high performers”:

We were those people, so we should probably have a better sense for how to manage them. Yes, we liked to be given room and autonomy to do our thing; but we also wanted some degree of recognition, opportunities to grow, or more. If we feel like we’re absolutely rocking it and no one notices or cares, that’s going to do terrible things to our motivation and satisfaction.

That applies just the same to your team members who are high performing. Don’t ignore them just because they’re not causing problems! Manage them - help them achieve high goals, identify places for improvement. Yes, even if they’re more skilled at what they’re doing than you: As the Stay SaaSy article describes:

• Don’t take them for granted

• Set clear (high, differentiated) expectations

• Give critical feedback to high performers

• Pay them as much as you can

• Don’t expect them to be everything; play to their strengths; but

• Fix any behavioural issues early. No “brilliant jerks”

• Spot common pitfalls, like locking up if they don’t know how to approach something

The “spot behavioural issues early” is a key one. A very few people are just always and forever jerks, and should be managed out. But more often, it’s an environment of tolerance that breeds bad behaviour:

Gotian and Lopata’s article gives another few points, specifically around finding ways for your high performing team members to grow beyond their technical skills

• Cultivate a growth mindset - this is related to the locking up mentioned in the Stay SaaSy article if they don’t know how to approach something. Typically the people we’re leading already have a growth mindset about the technical work they do (“Oh I’m sure I can learn that”), but on other things (giving good work presentations, handling interpersonal conflicts) they may need some help realizing they can get there from here.

• Develop Emotional Intelligence and Use Self-Reflection - related to the above -

• Expand their Network and Influence - introduce them around, give them opportunities to be visible in new parts of the organization or help them see a wider context.

Managing Teams

Using Project Aristotle To Build Highly Effective Teams - Pat Kua

I talk about Google’s Project Oxygen a lot here; it’s part of my fundamental pitch that managers with PhDs have the advanced skills we need, we just need help with the basics (#168).

But while Project Oxygen was about managers effects on teams in particular, Project Aristotle is about teams as a whole, and how those teams behave in the most highly performing teams:

1. Psychological safety - a term I don’t love, but the idea is that team members can take reasonable risks in their own work and in their interactions with team members without fear of repercussions. When this is present, team members are more likely to contribute perspectives, admit mistakes, and learn from problems

2. Dependability - the team feels they can depend on each other.

3. Structure and clarity - people know what is expected of them individually and as a team

4. Meaning - there’s a sense of purpose. That could be a the work itself or the growing in skills the team is getting

5. Impact - the work has some real consequence for someone.

Crucially, other variables (colocation of teams, decision making processes, introversion/extraversion…) explicitly did not make that list.

Kua’s article goes into some ways you can help nurture these traits, bit by bit, in your team.

Project Leadership

5 Keys For You To Become A Master Meeting Moderator - Jason Evanish, Get Lighthouse

Facilitation 101 - Pat Kua, Level Up

Managing our team effectively is hard enough, and there you generally have authority in the team, have long-term working relationships with most of the team members, and have a pretty good sense of where everyone’s coming from and what they need.

Large projects can be tricky because they often involve team members from other parts of the organization, and stakeholders can be external to the organization entirely. In those cases, there are meetings you’ll have to have where you’re facilitating a group of people with diverse perspectives on and needs from the project.

Running one of these meetings can be nerve-racking if you haven't done it before! But if you are willing to prepare, focus on the audience rather than yourself, ask a lot of questions, focus on the audience, and be gentle but firm about moving the conversation along, you can be quite good at it.

It’s one of the things I found myself weirdly capable at, and I keep an eye out for good articles on it, because it’s a useful skill that no one ever taught me.

There’s a lot of overlap between Evanish's and Kua’s articles, which is always heartening. Both cover the importance of:

• Good preparation

• Having the agenda clearly communicated (and maybe visible the whole time)

• Active moderation the meeting

• Using inclusive techniques to speed up information gathering - writing then discussion, fist-of-five voting, and

• Sharing your opinions last if at all

• Having clear next steps

Both articles talk more about how to do the active moderation, focussing on different (but complementary) aspects. Evanish talks about some of the mechanics of handling other people’s contributions gracefully:

• Call on junior attendees and quiet people first

• Timebox people so they don’t dominate

• Politely but firmly guide back to the agenda item at hand (which is why having it visible is so useful)

• Disagreement’s aren’t bad, there will be natural tensions in any project (one department needs X more than Y, the other needs Y more than X), just note them and move on

• Explicitly calling out the behaviour you want to see (being prepared, participating, redirecting themselves or others on to topic, etc).

Evanish also encourages us to have short retrospective with ourselves (at least!) about what went well and what to improve next time.

Kua points out that even when the discussion topic at the moment is very narrow, people will start contributing even on topic thoughts at very different levels of abstraction. Kua recommends fighting that with ORID - breaking discussion into phases: Objective (facts known), Reflective (immediate reactions), Interpretive (issues or challenges), and Decision (decision/response/next step).

(Kua also has a blog post on how facilitation changes if you’re doing it virtually).

I’d add - focus on the audience. For me, I’m there to solicit information from them, bring out their perspectives and needs, identify shared knowledge and disagreements, and to help the group synthesize all of this disparate discussion into something meaningful. As is so often, it’s not about me. Focussing on the audience and helping them by facilitating this meeting effectively helps keep myself out of the way.

Managing Yourself

Human and Professional: How to Manage Emotions at Work - Steph Mifsud

The feedback story at the beginning of this issue is the least of it. I almost rage-quit grad school at one point, with my desk all packed up in boxes.

Or hey, what about the time I was so unhappy with how things in one organization I was involved with, I wrote a ~15 page polemic about how terrible everything was?

Right, and one job that I did quit, I sent my first draft of my resignation letter to a trusted more experienced colleague, they quickly phoned me and calmly asked if I had sent it yet. When I said no, they told me with great relief to delete it, the email I sent it in, and any additional copies.

Which is to say, I haven’t always been super good at emotional regulation when (say) I was frustrated that things were needlessly broken. Being caught up in my feelings certainly felt very satisfying in the moment, and as I said above the feelings aren’t bad, they’re just data. But being briefly governed entirely by those feelings rarely accomplishes anything positive. That’s not to say frustration or even anger can’t be useful in raring ourselves up to drive change; I just needed to learn to be smarter about it.

Mifsud talks here about emotional regulation in a much more sophisticated way than I did above, using actual terms of art (emotional saturation, emotional suppression, and emotional regulation) that you can use as search terms to find out more about (including some really good books)

That’s It…

And that’s it for the week! I hope it was useful; Let me know what you thought, or if you have anything you’d like to share with me about how a newsletter or community about management for people like us might be even more valuable. Just email me, leave a comment, reply to this newsletter if you get it in your inbox, or schedule a quick Manager, Ph.D. reader input call.

Have a great weekend, and best of luck in the coming weeks with your team,

Jonathan